Zalina Tauchelova

Zalina lost her two daughters, 8 and 15 years old, in the terrorist attack of a school in Beslan, Chechnya, one year ago. On the first day of school, terrorists seized the school and held the children and teachers hostage before detonating bombs. In only four days after the attack (Sept. 1-4, 2004), the mothers of these children had organized themselves to find the truth about the attack and to see justice done. The Mothers of Beslan is a group that epitomizes political activism from personal suffering. Zalina tells us that she wants to bring mothers from all over the world together to make their voices heard so that tragedies such as this will not be forgotten or repeated. The Mothers of Beslan met with Putin, but Putin has yet to fulfill his promise to find the truth about the terrorism. Zalina said that one of the most difficult things was to see the mother of the terrorist who bombed the school bless her son before he went off to do this terrible act. Costanzo made a film called Don’t Forget Beslan that documents the tragedy.

Throughout the trip I parallel Zalina’s story with Cindy Sheehan’s suffering and activism. Yet somehow I cannot get past the fact that Zalina’s children were so young. I know that suffering is suffering and a child is not supposed to die before her mother, no matter how old, but coping with the loss of such young people is infinitely more challenging to me.

On the last night of the trip, I asked Anna to help me talk with Zalina, and we sat on the lime green plastic couches in the lobby of the hotel and I held up a magnifying lens to my heart so that Zalina could see inside and her brightness shone through the glass and burned a spot into my heart and I will never forget her. I could see the painful comparison in Zalina’s eyes when she looked at me, most painfully when I was laughing and she wistfully glanced sideways at me, looking up from a bite of food or peering over the car seat. That last night Zalina confirmed my suspicions—she told me that my smile reminded her of her older daughter, and that she believes that if her older daughter had the chance to grow up, she would be a lot like me. She gave me her daughter’s favorite candy and told me that when I come to Moscow she will show me a photo of her daughters at Christmas time. Since their death, Zalina does not celebrate Christmas or New Years the same way. She and Olga also do not sing because they are in mourning. I tell Zalina about my depression and suicidality, and how my saving grace was the image of how sad my mom would be if I took my own life, if I were no longer with her. I told Zalina that now I believe that it was not only for my mom that I saved myself, but also for her, and that I look forward to continuing to work for peace with her in the future.

One day I will go to Moscow, and maybe I will find the remains of my father’s family’s piano store and maybe before I go I will really make peace with my father because peace is inseparable from our internal lives, and then I will work to bring all these mothers together, and also the daughters of the struggle. I will meet the Mothers of Beslan and the Committee of Mothers of Soldiers. I will listen to Russian punk rock and wear a big jacket with fake fur. I will bring the message of peace and solidarity from the US.

And maybe someday Zalina and I will sing together.